Intro.

I have really been going through it lately, and much of it has to do with my fears. The fact of the matter is, for months and months I have been living my life in a state of fear. I am just so scared of all of the things that could possibly go wrong and all of the consequences and effects of the things that have gone wrong. One of my biggest fears right now is that I won’t pass the bar or make it through law school with a strong sense of self intact. This fear is a pretty big deal to me right now and it weighs on me. It is heavy to carry around the stress and fear from constantly worrying about this.

Law School Related Fear

I will start with breaking down my law school related fear. I have cried 5 or 6 times in the last two weeks about law school. At least 2 of those times were when I was on BREAK for a whole month y’all. I cried to my mom and sister. 3 of those times were yesterday, right after my very first Founder’s Day Luncheon with my sorority. I cried to my soror’s, then I called my best friend and cried to her, and then I went home and cried again to my mom. I think I cried like every other week during my spring semester of 1L. I have been a whole ass mess and I am just STRESSED. If you asked me what I think about law school today I would tell you that I hate it. Not because I don’t enjoy the things I’m learning, not because I am not doing well overall, and not because I am not passionate about becoming an attorney, but because I HATE the culture of law school. I have never been a person to measure myself, my success, or my worth against others, but that is oftentimes what happens in the law school culture. At every turn you’re questioning yourself, conflating self worth and intelligence with letter grades from final exams and class rank, stressing about any and every thing, and comparing yourself to others. This is not everyone’s experience, but based on conversations with my peers, most people are thinking this way, and it is so hard to have this mindset each day for 3 years. So many of us are asking questions like: do I have a job, will I get a job, do other people have jobs, is my GPA “law school good,” why do I feel like everyone knows more than me, wtf is that professor asking or talking about, why is there math, why are professor’s exams 1000 times harder than their previous exams posted online, and why the f*** do we to keep using the Socratic method, it’s annoying AF?!

Law school has felt like a constant test for me. I cannot tell you all how many times I have cried and questioned whether or not I belong at law school. I have even gone as far as telling myself that I’m just there for affirmative action and because maybe they wanted two black sisters (as if affirmative action is a bad thing, even if that were the case)!! My thoughts have just been so toxic, and while I do feel that much of it is a product of my environment, some of it is me being overcome by my fears of doing something so hard. I have been saying such crazy things that my mom actually asked me if I wanted to take time off or drop out. The truth is that I don’t. I don’t actually hate law school and I want to be a lawyer, I just hate the way that law school makes me feel about myself. I do not like comparing myself to others. I hope things will change. I need some prayer and light in this area in my life.

Closure

As you all can see, I am not in the best mental health space right now and because of that, I don’t really have any answers in this post. But in the hope for openness and honesty, I wanted to share anyway. I want you all to learn about all of me, and not just selective information to try to uphold an image of having all of my shit together. I’m 24 and I’m trying to figure my life out.

I want to wrap up by asking my readers some questions and creating a dialogue or open line of communication. Do any of you have fears that are weighing on you currently? If so how are you dealing with them? What are some of your daily and long term coping mechanisms? Feel free to comment below, contact me through the “Contact Page,” or DM me on my social media.

love, bria